Because I have far too much time on my hands. This movie had me cackling in the first minute.
VelociPastor is a 2017 comedy-horror movie on Amazon Prime written and directed by Brendan Steere. It was inspired by "Velociraptor" auto-correcting on his phone to "Veloci Pastor".
Right off the bat, its bio on Google is literally:
"After losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. Although he is horrified by the new power, a sex worker convinces him to use it to fight crime."
So, already, it is amazing.
The VelociPastor is a very low-budget movie (35,000 USD), When I first saw it, I instantly thought of Sharkula (Count Dracula falls off a cliff, and passes his spirit onto a great white shark with bat wings). The creator of Sharkula has also been a part of the production of Shark Encounters of the Third Kind and Jurassic Prey (which will appear in another post if I remember this exists).
Can I just say, before explaining the plot, that the costume and fight scenes were just beautiful.
At the very beginning Doug Jones, the paster and main character, greets his parents stood next to their car that suddenly and inexplicably burst into flames. though they didn't actually add flames into the movie, they just wrote "VFX: Car on fire". Which is a pretty good representation of what the rest of the movie will be like.
Now, what this movie lacks in visual effects it makes up for in the actors' lines and abilities. The most notable line in the beginning of the movie being: "Your parents died, Doug. It's what parents do, they die on you," In all seriousness, the acting itself was not the worst I've seen. I was fully expecting something else.
So, he makes the next best, most obvious decision, and moves to China. In China, he becomes infected by an artifact that allows him to, in very Hulk-fashion, turn into a velociraptor when angered. Soon after Doug begins having nightmares, he runs off into the forest as he undergoes his transformation where he meets and saves a sex worker named Carol. The next day Carol tries to convince him to use his power for good. Unpersuaded, he goes to church for confession. There he meets Carol's pimp Frankie Mermaid who he learns is responsible for the death of his parents. This was the final shoe, and he was convinced to pursue heroism (after killing Frankie Mermaid).
After a failed exorcism he returns to Carol intent on this new career path, where he is met with ninjas. Specifically, cocaine/drug-dealing Christian ninjas under the influence of a man named Wei Chan whose plan was to get people hooked on cocaine and then cut off their supply-- leading them to the church where he could... mind control them I think? And build an army.
Here comes the white ninja (or, as Doug later finds out, his brother), who Doug manages to use telekinesis to take the ninja's sword and kill him with it.
After defeating Wei Chan, Doug and Carol travel the world to pursue their original plan of fighting criminals.
6 months ago an official teaser trailer was released on YouTube for VelociPastor 2 seeking Kickstarter donations.
In the second movie, Doug and Carol travel to Mulan, Italy in order to solve a series of murders committed at an Italian Fertility Festival. And also Soviet spies. I honestly could not describe the video if I wanted to. It has reached $118,297 of its $75,000 goal and thus far the rewards for backing the Kickstarter are minis and a signed VHS for 75 donators + various exclusive merch.
Back in 2022, Sheepthing2 made a post about Velocipastor, and I think they put it best when they said "This movie puts therapists out of business."
In conclusion: Did the velociraptor costume look like Quasimodo boinked a t-rex? yes. Did the overall production look like it was done by high school theater kids? Also yes. Will I be watching it again? Unquestioningly yes.
What weird dinosaur-related movie should I watch next?